I wrote this letter to me. I wrote this letter to her too. I wrote this letter in the middle of the shit show, and at the tail end. It wasn’t the end. Started writing it May 2014, finished October 2014. Yea it’s long. Never sent it.
I’m sure you forgot
Try not to get angry
You will not like this
It is what’s in my head
At least you will know
Correct me if I’m wrong
What I’m feeling right now is that it’s just like it was just before I found out about all the guys. After I found out it was whatever I wanted, and I said then I didn’t want to go back to the old way.
I wasn’t going to beg.
I wasn’t going to wait.
I don’t want it to be a burden or a chore for you. I see what I look like, it makes me sick. And the thought of you keeping that buried inside also makes me sick.
I wouldn’t fault you for leaving.
I really don’t know what it is you are feeling any more. Kind of wonder if I ever did.
I’m guessing that’s pretty much normal to look back like that considering. Oh I hear what you are saying, it meant nothing, and it was all just for fun. To me it looks like they were very much a part of your everyday life. Checking in on how you were doing, always there for you even when I was in the room/bed.
You were making time for them, them making time for you. For Four months, to be exact between September 16, 2012 to January 10, 2013 Dennis, and you traded DMs at 120 plus a day. Never missing a day. The only thing that got in the way was posting on twitter.
It was described as Grooming by someone. I tend to agree to a point.
Chad said, and you stared; “If you think I talked anyone into anything, you are truly delusional. That’s not how this place works”.
Chad was talking to me when I asked about you.
You stared that within seconds of it being posted. Kind of led me to believe you were looking at the time even though you was out with the girls.
When I confronted you about it, in a text first, and then on twitter, than at home when you decided it was safe to come home. You said it was a mistake. How could you have known it was him?
It doesn’t matter it was Chad. What matters is it was how you felt. Remember I said twitter was a look into the person’s feelings at the time. What I meant was it was an easy way to know what you are thinking.
I think now, after the “…silly new tattoo..” post you really watch how you drink.
You think after fucking the Marine in the back of a car would be it.
I know we were not married at the time. Marriage means nothing to me. It’s just a way to get a tax break. The promise is between two people. I don’t need a Church or a government to make that promise real. I guess neither do you?
With Denny4E it grew. He gave you a little taste of what he wanted in the forum of “I had a dream last night” and the next night, intoxicated, you gave him back more than he could have ever expected. From January 11, 2013 to January 30, 2013, you and Denny4e sext at about 200 plus DMs a day. Well, until you opened your KIK account on the 30. He couldn’t take his twitter account not letting him send all the DMs, and it not working all the time. He kept telling you to open a KIK. Unlimited messaging, dick pics, and your pics were add to the mix. You see sweetheart I don’t think you are stupid. You knew what he was looking for, and you wanted to give it to him. And all I will ever know about those kiks is that they were no different than what I had seen already.
That is a problem. What I know is not good, and if the 9 months after you opened the kik were anything like what little I know, I can’t image how hard it must be for you without him.
You were a one man women at that point. Dennis, Denny4E, no one of importance, nerd plus the two hump camel. Whatever you called him, he was that man. You were his Mrs. Chrissy. I was pretty much side lined by you at this point.
Even though they could make you horny, none of that was for me.
You see a lot of what I have learned is that women that are into this do it to warm up. Find there live partner, and have an exciting evening. Not the case here. It was special.
Somewhere in the beginning of your relationship with Dennis I decided to not beg. I was a little disappointed in myself for the little whiney bitch I had become. I didn’t know why you had lost interest. I just knew it was a real chore for you to find time for me.
Kind of like now.
You keep saying it was all a mistake. “I’m here!…… With You!” “ I stayed didn’t I?” or my favorite, “…I can’t start over!”
We are right back to you having to do me cause you have too.
With a smile.
Still a chore.
The first phone call was March 3, 2013, and lasted 18min. You called Dennis. The second was about three days later. Two hours and 42mins long. I have been told nothing was said in that phone call.
Then there were some 20 odd calls after that. None longer than 10mins. Told to my face it was just two, or three calls.
Dennis did praise your singing in one of his DMs.
Add that to what I can only guess what amount of time spent kik messages going back and forth, and you can kind of see why, to me, that Denis meant a lot more to you.
We don’t even talk that much in a car going to anywhere?
Your time with Dennis, at least the sext part, for some reason came to an end around the time Chad came back into your life. September 20, 2013.
I don’t believe you completely cut Dennis off but, Chad was hotter, and closer. Your email to Denny around October 16, 2013 was very hart felt.
“I’m glad you still want to talk, even though this is the only way.”
I’m gonna take it that Chad, and he didn’t know about each other.
The other reason I think you took the sexting away from Denny4E is cause you wanted more from him than just masturbating.
Your love for him had grown, and it was more than just funning around. Why do I think this? Cause Dennis was the only one you wanted to hide from me. The only one even after getting caught, you kept going back to.
Yes I notice. The tattoo post wasn’t the first time I had seen. I wonder how it is you two talk today? Email at work? Real live letters? Man that would be cute. Do you whine to him about what you have to do to keep me happy?
Add Albert C, Butch Huff, Clint Bond, Frank J Landers, Mr.landshark, Paul C, and I’m sure a few others, and what exactly is left for the guy paying the two thousand a month for your house?
I can tell you.
That’s it. Just sex.
Your guilt made you up your game. During the height of the sexting with everyone, you decided to swallow, or at least keep my cock in your mouth.
I can tell fucking you these days has gotten a lot more interesting. Moving your ass instead of just lying there. That has made it even seem like you are enjoying yourself.
Martin Smith, the guy you fucked before you and I hooked up in OC? He said you just laid there.
He would be impressed.
Like I said you are one man women. I did see a couple of the conversation between Chad, and yourself. They didn’t seem to be all about masturbating. You two talked like girlfriend, and boyfriend. Lovers.
His is good. Had me sucking his cock the first day. You know you are the only one he has ever let know about his personal twitter site? (ask me if you want his twitter?) He didn’t even tell me after all I did.
He won’t let me friend him on Facebook.
On a personal note, I do believe he hates women. After his wife, and she is a real knock out, and a nurse or a PA. She does a lot of overseas work.
After she dumped him I do believe in his own little way, is proving every day, to himself, women are cunts.
I can’t image what impression Caiden has of herself, (his daughter). Do you think his feelings for her will change when she becomes an adult? Think he will fuck her anonymous account?
By the way most of the early DMs from Dennis, when you read them, read like a high school kid. I can only guess what you said back, cause again, you won’t tell me.
The conversation with Chad I do have some idea. I got to see both sides. His concern for your safety cause I was finding out.
You telling him I wanted to be involved in your DMing, sexting.
You were telling him about our daughter’s soccer awards.
Having to go to a function with me for work.
Your plans to meet, and how embarrassed you would be walking around naked in front of him.
My guess, the trip to Atlantic City with “Jersey” (Dennis’s name for Shauna) was when that would happen. I think it was a Dirk’s Bentley concert around New Year’s or February 14 2014.
You also told Chad you felt like you were just going through the motions. Felt like being in a fog. Not wanting to be here, and caught in a rut.
All that, with DMs telling you his need to release. Cum.
He was so horny thinking about you.
I think I used a lot of both of their lines when I tried sexting with you just to see.
I wonder why Chad, after I said something to him, just disappeared.
I know your feelings for him where real. (I was just told you hate it when I tell you how you are feeling). I know they were real cause when I told you I had a conversation you said , “oh my God , you probably scared the shit out of him.” , not “omg you know “.
I really feel that afternoon of October 25 was a real gut check for you, and I still wonder why you didn’t leave than. My guess is the kid. Didn’t know how to tell her, and not look like the bad guy.
I still wonder why Chad hasn’t contacted you. Or has he?
Dennis made a last ditch effort to let you know it was real.
It was good! He missed her. She was so scared about his text she was damn near in tears when she handed her phone to me so I could read it. So cute.
It is kind of silly for me to worry about it.
I didn’t see It coming the two times before this, and really don’t think I’ll see the next time.
The real funny part is, I for whatever reason, I keep getting blamed for this. I mean the “silly new tattoo” post was my fault cause I told you about his new site?
I didn’t tell you to go look, and follow.
Really if it means that much just do it. You’re an adult. You don’t have tell me who you gonna have as friends. I don’t own you. Like I said earlier, I don’t feel good about the way this life has gotten for you, and I cannot blame you for looking to get out.
Speaking about post, you have gone back an erased all the post that where meant to hurt me, including the one December 5, 2013 telling Dennis4E that, “someone who thinks you’re amazing even when they’re pissed at you. That”. You even let me think that was for me?
. On November 3 at about 3am you where begging for one of them to be up, “I mean awake”. “I just wish you were awake”
For another man.
I was just upstairs. I really don’t, and maybe you can help me here, but I don’t ever remember you begging for me to be awake.
That is the post that got me started looking.
I had an idea that all was not well, but this never crossed my mind. The very first DM I came across was from Butch Huff. He was telling you how thinking about you he had to “spuage on the stall door” at work.
I guess at the car dealership he worked at. Not CVS like he told you.
He is married to a Mexican women with two daughters. Young daughters. Moved back to Ohio after getting permission from the state of Florida. Why? Cause that is what sex offenders have to do when they leave a state.
Told you this that Friday at lunch Nov 8. You said you were embarrassed. I asked three things that day. Did you send pictures? You said no. Lie. Will you stop? You said yes. Lie. I asked why? “Because I’m not attracted to you”.
Tough to hear but honest.
Of all the stuff we talked about that was the only thing you were honest about.
Came across Chad two days later. You were telling him your kik account was hacked, and that DMing was the only way to talk. He didn’t like it. Too long to refresh. Kind of lose the moment when you’re jerking off, and have to wait for the next line.
No pictures too.
Couple nights later, after I had a meeting at the hall, and you and I had a few at market street I asked you again not to text other men.
We were in our bathroom naked. In each other arms.
I told you it was killing me, and I wanted it to stop. You said you would stop. I think this is when I said if you wanted to do it maybe we could do it together.
Silly me. Thinking it was just a sex thing.
You said you didn’t think that would work. We went to bed at ten thirty. At ten thirty-four you DMed Chad a goodnight with a kiss. I guess that was a no, and a lie.
Next morning I called a lawyer.
On a road trip that Friday to NJ for a tourney we had a nice little conversation in a Ruby Tuesday. I confronted you about Chad.
You got pissed. Wanted to know how I knew, and proceeded to tell me you could leave with any man in the bar you wanted to. I should be happy you were still there.
I went ahead and told you I cat fished Chad. Let you know he was just as much fun with me as with you. I didn’t tell you then that I knew he had a daughter named Caiden.
You mention a friend on the ride up that had a kid named Caiden as well.
At the end of Chad, and I’s conversation I told him to let us have a peaceful weekend, and I would email him at work that Monday. I think he was a little surprised.
Chad left, and you wanted to go back to the way it was. You were going to stop. There was no one else. Lie.
Little less than 30 days later I came across a DM from you to Dennis. You saying hi, and him telling you how to post pictures on Twitter’s DMs.
This last conversation with Dennis before you knew I knew was kind of telling. The idea of posting pictures in your DMs to him was a bit titillating. From what I remember you told him something about getting into trouble by sending it with a smiley face, and a kiss.
Pictures. Got to love that part of the whole thing. Got a feeling there might be a few others loving those pictures as well.
Friday December 13 is when I confronted you about Dennis.
I asked if you were DMing anyone? You said no.
I asked if this, our relationship, meant anything to you. You said yes.
I told you then I was not going to share you with another man.
I’m sure I had said that before, but maybe not as clear.
Then I asked who Dennis was. You got upset ran downstairs in tears. When I came down there the first words out of your mouth where,
“I can’t have any guy friends?”.
When he is texting about shoving his cock down your throat, and you telling him how much you like it, I’m a gonna have to call bullshit on the friendship thing.
This is where I really get upset with myself.
I should have never said anything about DMing. Just let it go. Let you two have this special time, and go live my life in peace that I can’t now.
My anger wouldn’t let it go. I had to win!
Even though I had lost already.
I just was blinded by emotion I guess.
I watch you delete your Twitter account, and say you are going to get a flip phone.
Ask if I wanted you to leave, you know cause it was all fake.
None of which has happened yet.
Losing Twitter lasted twenty four hours. You gave me the password, and started back up with a promise of not going to DM other men.
I got a little sage advice, and stop looking at your Twitter account. Didn’t matter what you said, or if something was said to you, I just knew it was you playing with another man. Or having feelings for another man.
At least once I was right.
That’s the last time you put yourself on Twitter restriction.
Now days I just don’t give a shit. I ask you all the time who you are twittering with. I think just to see you think about when you were, and to see the anger in your eyes.
So where are we now?
From the little I can understand it was my entire fault.
You were not getting the emotional intimacy from me you should.
I was not there for you.
The door was open for anyone to fill the void, and give you the love you so much wanted.
To be the one at that time, I would have had to live on twitter.
For a year before Dennis showed up, and open your heart you never lifted your head from the phone.
If I was going to be the one I had to live there, talk to you there, day, and night.
I really didn’t have time for that.
Today is no different.
Yes back than I was in the middle of what was probably the most challenging job I have ever done. Yes I was drinking a lot. And yes you told me that a number of times and I should have listened. I’m paying the price for all that now.
I’d like to thank you for being there for me. The idea of you telling Denny4e how good his cock taste while I’m losing my mind at work to pay my share of the house just gives me the warm, and fuzzes.
I know, it was fantasy.
A way to escape the fuck-up life you had to live.
More so now.
No one to play with has to make this that much more trying for you.
I love you, how many times a day do you tell me that.
How many times did you tell Dennis that?
I asked December 14. You only said yes.
How many times did you tell Chad?
Did you tell the Marine at the reunion, I love you?
When I asked you about Dennis, and Chad it was all just for fun, and not ever real. Fantasy. But now, now I love you is real?
Throughout this whole thing I have pretty much kept away from taking shots at you on a personal level.
It might not seem that way if you are reading this.
You have made a point to bring up me throwing a typewriter at you back in ’92!
I remember throwing it because of you, but not at you.
I was drunk and pissed. No excuse and pretty much the only time I can ever remember getting that angry at you. Almost sure it had something to do with sex.
Long time ago, and it seems to have made a tremendous impact on you.
I begged you to come back. You did.
I have been there by your side most of your adult life doing what anyone who loves someone would do. Encourage you at every turn in your life. Made every effort to keep the bad, and my bad from affecting you as much as possible. You have told me that you know I don’t think much of your present job, (funny how you know how I feel).
What I think is you are being taken advantage of, but that really doesn’t matter. You are happy there. You are a giver as I have been told. Others first. Never yourself.
You have been there for me as well. No exceptions.
Than August 2011 happened. You opened a twitter account. An anonymous account.
To this day you still have that account.
Except for the one day, and the thirty day restriction you gave yourself for the tattoo remark you have been on there.
I guess I’m not capable of understanding why for some reason twitter is where you have to be. I’m not going to guess what feelings you have cause of twitter. Just going to say it looks like you have no self-esteem.
I’m not sure what else I have to write. I’m gonna guess this is not going to go over very well.
You have told me over, and over you are over it.
Not sure what it is you are over.
Losing the special attention of some really hot guys.
My wanting to know what the hell went on.
I don’t know.
I want to be over how I feel. I’m really not the guy I use to be, and I’m really not the guy I want to be. I can’t stand what I look like, and I can’t stand not having the confidence I use to have.
I feel weak.
I think for the longest time I got my strength from you. I knew you were there for me. You had my back.
Writing this isn’t helping either.
I stopped long time ago thinking about you. This morning I told you after taking my shower I was going to molest your body.
When I came out you didn’t move.
Just kept sleeping.
I get it.
All I could think about is just how often you found time to beg for another man. Find ways to turn them on. To let them turn you on. If I want a piece of ass I have to ask. I guess I could wait for you to find time?
I guess I could wait for you to feel like I’m going to leave?
I saw how that turned you on.
I know, you were making it up to me.
Got to say this is the version I want to see all the time.
It’s not you? It’s what I want. That’s why. Twenty-five years flushed cause you wanted someone to tell you your ass is hot.
Someone else to tell you your ass is hot.
I know I’m no catch anymore.
You have told me so.
I’m fifty, fat, smoke, and one hell of an angry drunk.
I was twenty-five, mildly slender, smoked and a happy drunk when we met. I wonder what happen.
You haven’t changed. Right? Long hair, slender, not scared of anything, smart women that loved to get laid.
I’m still interested.
That’s good. Right?
You think I’m doing the same as you? Hanging in there because it’s easier?
Love you Too.