I miss talking to you.

You gave me your time once. Or I asked for it ? I know I wanted to know who you were now. You are that one person in my life I want and will always want to know where you’re at!

If you didn’t know me at 16/17 this isn’t bout you. You did have an effect! You know that. Or you should! Even if we never actually met. Steph will always be different. First and any more my only real love. Real kind of….

I guess this would be a good time to let you know what at least one of you already knows…. I hate the word love. Don’t like saying it. Don’t like hearing it And don’t believe it’s a real thing. You can judge. You are wrong. For now we’ll save it for later….

When I found out what love really means at 48 it was gut wrenching. Twenty plus years with the woman of my dreams was cuming for a number of men in sexting, and actually phone calls!! I even asked about why we had a Canadian charge on our bill!! Funny

Sadly she has turned into a poor excuse for a woman. The wife lives in fear of not being able to live better than she does now! To that point the threat of divorce one night turned into a blowjob. She made the threat. Shit she yelled it for a bit! I said ok the first time she said it. Then she argued it loudly with I guess me. I said yes.

Blow job.

Driving home tonight all I could think about was how much I miss talking to you Steph.

Bad band news

I didn’t make the cut. Shouldn’t be a surprise to you and sure as hell is not to me!! I was let go easy after they ghosted me for a couple weeks. Wong, the guys name that was running the band, text me one of the guys that use to play guitar came back. Damnit I was hoping for artistic differences or that he didn’t like the name I came up with for the band, The Wong Project.

Scott the bass player that gave Wong my name gave me a call and asked me if I was interested in jamming out with him and a couple others. Hell yes!!!

Two car garage. The band on the right. Riding lawn mower with cup holder on the left.

So we set up at my place. Neighbors are loving us tons!!! We aren’t terrible. We definitely belong in a garage. For now anyway. I will say this, drummers are hard to come by. On our third one sort of. First one has yet to show. Second is actually in another band about to release an album and who knows after that!!? Third one was rusty but I thought did really well considering . No singer , but everyone I talk to says they can sing. That’s nice cause I do not.

No name yet. Did have an idea for one. One of the other guitarists works for UPS and couldn’t make it cause the “moron” that loaded his truck the night before!!!! Said if we ever see John so n so to kick him in the nuts cause he’s a Moron!!! I thought damn we should name the band after the moron?!! The John D****. We’ll see.

News member to my small collection. She will pretty much stay in open G tuning cause I’m lazy.

Title

We haven’t talked. We haven’t communicated in a real while. I’d have a header if we had!!!

Not a lot she says I don’t remember. Probably bad forum. I enjoy listening!!! Damnit.

She’s troubled . Yes. Of course! Marriage sucks. Things happen! Same. lol

So want to give her a nickname!!! Just her letters! Not gonna. CBD could be Our sexy name for each other, but we haven’t got there!! I have picked out three? You don’t want to know!!

I miss talking to her. Badly. That is not how that works. Before was BG? She would make me feel missed being there every day. Like the first time. She won’t. She enjoys my words more than any one. Made it nice to talk! I am not the focus. Let’s try and keep that in mind!

Marriage is.

She has done more work for the marriage than anyone. I want to be the option. I’m not. I only offer drama. Speed bump. lol sucks.

Wish I had a title? I might finish something! Or

Get to start something!

lol

Not here for this.

Have any idea when you’re going to die? Me either. My Doctor asked Monday if I had a will? Nope.

Wait.

What?

It was 2 pm so not how I started the day! But damn!!!!

Funny.

I don’t still.

Funny

First funeral I ever went to at 35 was my fathers.

Been to about fifty since. Job related sadly. His was the first! Wasn’t as bad as you might think cause my first time seeing a dead body was dad.

Stop.

He looked good! Not completely dead. But. Dead. lol

Yes. We were that close. I was twenty-five when I out of the blue called him to say he was right. I don’t remember a thing he said after that! Didn’t matter cause I was a punk.

Manic or Blonde

Never ever attempt this by yourself. Especially if they are right!

The wife said this to me not long ago, You need to find out what is really bothering you! I’m over it! It was a mistake!! God I know that now. I wish I had never even got a Twitter account!!!! I’m so over this!!! I’ve said I was sorry !! It. Was. A. Mistakes. I’m still here……

The reason; I don’t know what else I can do. I know we don’t have sex all the time, like you want! I’m tired whisky! I know you don’t think I do anything all day. But that’s not really it either. I just don’t feel like it! It’s me. I probably should say something to my doctor, but it’s not like I’m checking out some twenty year old and thinking mmmm I want to fuck him!! It’s me! Ok. I know that you want more. I try!

The truth; life takes over whisky! I was in a rut. Felt like I wasn’t going anywhere. I know better. We have a great kid! Right? I know now that we were doing fine. I. Made. A. Mistake. I stayed. Right?

Wife still has a Twitter account. Ask me? I’ll give it to ya. It’s boring as hell anymore.

When I first confronted her about the Twitter crush stuff it was due to a sub-tweet she posted. “I wish you were up. ” followed by, ” no not up! Awake. Awake is what I meant.”

Not sure why that was the thing but it’s what I remember. Saw it that morning. Morning coffee and reading shit online. Read Fark.com! Great site!!!

Her Twitter was on the list to just check out cause it was so foreign to me. Kid was on it. She was on it! Like all the damn time! She was happy so was i. Occasionally I would ask her to put it down. Not often. Fuck it was a kids game back in ’12! lol right?

Turns out IPhone and iPad sync. I was using the iPad cause great way to read a book. Turns out I tripped over the other great thing it does. And that’s why I’m wondering manic or blonde?

Am a Manic, and was I one before?

Can you be triggered into a manic?

I could easily believe now that I may have always been a manic. Older. Pay way more attention than I ever have. Everything. Fly back and forth between over joyed to ready to loose my temper over simple shit.

I wasn’t that way before. Pretty laid back. Not movie star laid back but never worried if she wasn’t as committed to Us as I was.

I’ve cried there times as an adult. They played Taps at my fathers funeral. Put my Dog down. Standing in front of the first apartment she and I shared.

That is the trip. The trigger. In my mind that was the such-the change to what I wanted it crashed the me I don’t see anymore.

Blonde. They spent two hours forty-five minutes on one of the calls I found in the cell records. At the beach no less!! Her favorite place in the world. He tweeted that next morning how beautiful her singing voice is after she tweeted lyrics from Heart of Glass.

I asked her once and she listened, don’t call me nurd again. Not a question from her, or second look. It was her nickname for Dennis. She has never said the word again. Should I ask her to stop telling Alexa to play Blonde? lol

Or just be manic?

I’m gonna tell you the story. *long

Today I stopped myself from saying something I will regret. I know that to my bones.

I knew it the first time I said it, thirty years ago July 30 I was right.

I know it today.

No one wants to grow old. No one wants to do it alone. Some should. I’m a firm believer in karma.

Dancing with no one was the first time I noticed that the light was on her. Yes it was that stupid! Sitting at the bar with my first beer after working I saw my wife. Dancing. By herself. With the brightest light I’ve ever seen.

We knew each other. Hell everyone at the restaurant knew each other! Intimately! lol Late eighties. Shit 1989!

My birthday was a surprise. Really. Had three roommates, two working at the same restaurant. She had already accepted a date from me by then. Saw Never Never at Scandals the first date. Dinner at Hauseanda second date. She got sick. At the restaurant! We blamed it on the crab imperial!

My birthday I made love to her. She was a big part of what happened that night. Next morning kneeling on the side of the bed looking for my sandals I told her I was going to marry her. I meant it. She understood that too. Another reason I was right in saying it!

I did. We did. *science. We got married after living together for seven years, just six months after we bought Our first house. July 18. Courthouse. The 29 that same month she handed me a birthday card that said, Happy Birthday Daddy!

Wait. What?

I’m on a roll. Life has finally got to the apex of the roller coaster! It’s a damn ride from here right?!

Every one’s first memory is of a family. Everything starts there. Family does not mean the same thing to everybody. You don’t ever remember what happened before that. Just starting there.

I think I actually heard a starting gun! Maybe not. I did know after the excitement, change. I did it well. Unexpected by most except one. Maybe two if you count me. She was amazing. Great mom for sure. The kid is a super star damnit!!!!!

I got there by working through/lying to myself about a night she slept with a high school friend.

The guy was a marine. Poor bastard signed the letter he sent her after fucking her in the back of the car. Handed it to her mother cause he didn’t even know where she lived. Four pages on yellow legal paper. He probably should not have actually talked about fucking her! Just saying.

I got him a subscription to MABL. Pretty sure that was the name of it? Man and Boy Love? Delivered directly to his billets.

She never knew I knew about the letter till she came three or four times that night. I won. Obviously.

Sucks I have to win.

My wife’s recent, 2012, choices have made things clear/ interesting. I know I’m right. Again. I keep stopping myself. Damn that’s not hard at all!!!!! Fuck.

I regret not saying I want you. Today. I know every day I will again.

There’s a damn line.

Really?! I actually saw it drawn quietly in the dirt!!! Huge line!!!

Hope I don’t. To my bones. Regret.